Joe Schloe From Muleshoe Tells It Like It Is
Well now, ‘ol Joe Schloe from Muleshoe (pronounced“Sch-low”) don’t rightly agree. That’s because ‘ol Joe Schloe from Muleshoe is a staunch five-pointer, and you don’t even want to try to debate him on it.
Nevertheless, ‘ol Joe said that if you ever did want to debate him on it, well then, go on down to Muleshoe and he’ll receive you. Here’s directions –
When you get there, just ask anybody you see where Joe Schloe lives, and they’ll either walk you right over or give you a ride. ‘Course, when you get to the gate at Joe Schloe’s property, just sit yourself down and wait a spell, because it takes a good twenty or thirty minutes to get from Joe’s great-house to the border of his property out by the road there. Also, I wouldn’t advise making use of the little hut that ‘ol Joe put out there for people to wait in. Oh, the hut is nice and all, but every now and then a rattler has been known to take up residence there and coil hisself to sleep. In case you don’t know, you don’t want to accidently wake one of them critters, so as long as the weather is bearable, just wait by the fence. ‘Ol Joe knows you’re there, and he’ll send somebody for you directly.
And don’t worry about refreshments or BYO, either, ‘cause ‘ol Joe Schloe from Muleshoe is about as hospitable as they come, even to those who don’t see eye to eye with him.
‘Course, now ‘ol Joe prefers Schlitz on a hot day (don’t how or where ‘ol Joe keeps coming up with Schlitz, seeing as how they quit making it so long ago, but he never fails to produce a can whenever he wants), and on a cold day he likes hot tea with milk and sugar. Real sugar. ‘Ol Joe won’t even look at that counterfeit stuff.
But if you don’t like a cold one on a hot day, not to worry. ‘Ol Joe has everythng under the sun, like iced tea, apple juice, soda pop, and anything else you can think of. Choclate shakes, vanilla shakes, whatever. He even has one of them real old machines that spits out either root beer or Dr.Pepper. You put a nickel in the slot and out comes one of them old-fashioned bottles, just like when Beaver and Wally and Eddie Haskal was kids. And don’tworry about the nickel. ‘Ol joe has a big bowl of ‘em right there on the top of the machine, so you can get as many as you want.
The only time I ever heard of ‘ol Joe taking a shot of hard liquor was that time he confronted the tornado. Legend has it that ‘ol Joe was standin’ right there in the middle of Main Street with the tornado bearding down and coming straight at him. It was reported that ‘ol Joe at that moment took one pull on the sour mash jug he was carryin’ in his left hand. In his right hand was somthin’ else.
See, it was common knowledge that ‘ol Slewfoot and his buddies (the same Slewfoot that tricked old Adam and Eve in that there garden you was talkin’ about), so it was common knowledge, I say, that ‘ol Slewfootand his buddies gave Muleshoe a wide steer because of ‘ol Joe. They’d suffered plenty of whippings and defeats at Joe’s masterful hand in the past, and that’s because ‘ol Joe had a secret weapon that he had fashioned very clandestinely inhis giant barn one day. Nobody knew exactly what it was, but the best description of it was that it was kind of a modified electric cattle prod,kinda like a cross between that which the auctioneer uses and Ghostbusters.
Well, that’s what ‘ol Joe had in his right hand the day the tornado came to Muleshoe. Witnesses stated that when ‘ol Joe saw that tornado coming right down Main Street that he grabbed his weapon and the sour mash jug and headed right out into the middle of the road, directly in the path of the tornado. It is also reported that Joe Schloe from Muleshoe muttered the following to the tornado as he charged out the door, “There ain’t room enoughin this town for the both of us, and I ain’t leaving!”
It’s long been known, of course, that ‘ol Slewfoot and his cronies are the secret agents behind weather disasters such as tornadoes and hurricanes and whatnot. That’s why ‘ol Joe took his “devil whipper” with him, for that is what he called his weapon.
The rest is history. Every witness there that day would later testify that when that tornado got about a hundred feet away from ‘ol Joe that the funnel suddenly lifted up off the ground and soared up to four or five hundred feet in the air. It didn’tcome down again until it had skipped completely over Muleshoe and was a mile or two down the road, completely out in the open where no harm could be done.
When Joe walked back inside everybody looked at him with that sense of awe and amazement that all who know ‘ol Joe apprise him with. And of course, everybody thought -- no matter who Joe Schloe from Muleshoe was – everybody thought that he certainly hadto be shaken by this ordeal.
But ‘ol Joe quickly dispelled that ill-begotton notion. Heclapped his hands in a sort of high-five, threw his old head back and did a big hee-haw, and then remarked wryly, “Cmon, boys, let’s go get us a Schlitz!”
And then the whole town just followed him down the road in unison, each one eminently aware that he was part of one of those remarkable episodes of history that just seem to swirl around Joe Schloe from Muleshoe like sand in a sandstorm.
Anyway, ‘ol Joe will be happy to set you straight about what happened in the garden between Slewfoot and Adam and Eve. I were you, I’d makethe trip. Tell him Adelphos sent you.